From Douche With Love (Get it?)

After the absolute epic that was my Dr. No review last month, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the amazing standard I’d already set with my review of the second Bond film; From Russia With Love... but then I just thought, ‘fuck it, it’s not like many people are going to read it anyway.’

The first half of From Russia With Love has a whole load of spying, which is what you’d expect to find in spy thriller. There is spying in an airport, spying in a church like building, there is even some spying going on while Bond gets his end away in a hotel room. I half expected these jokers to pop up;

There’s quite an odd scene where a gypsy camp that Bond and his bezzie mate (Ali something) gets fucked up by a dude with a gnarly moustache and his gang. During the shoot up, Bond and his friend just seem to stand about, occasionally kicking over tables and neither of them gets seriously hurt.

Apart from that scene, the first half is a fairly quiet affair which really helps set up the last half, where the shit really hits the fan.

It begins as Bond, and the main girl who he is shagging in this film, get on the Orient Express to London. A henchman who we were introduced to at the start of the film constantly spies (yup, more spying) on Bond, so you know he’s up to no good. The scene goes on for ages, which makes it an incredibly tense sequence, every time the shot cuts to the train rushing along, the noises that the train is making are doubled, I nearly dirtied my underwear every time this happened as I thought someone had been shot.

James Bond obviously kills the henchman in the end, because he’s James Bond. Then villains in other forms of transport try to exterminate Bond, a helicopter tries to run him over and a bazillion boats come at him, he manages to escape both by using lots of explosions.

Then other things happen and the film ends with Bond getting away with some sort of device which he’d been after for the duration of the film, which is a cause for much celebration, which in Bond terms means; shagging on a boat.

Many people consider From Russia With Love to be one of the best Bond films, while being very enjoyable it just doesn’t seem to have that spark that some of the later films contain. However, it does begin to introduce a lot of things we’ve now grown accustomed to in the universe of Bond; such as Blofeld stroking his cat and sexy girls in the title sequence, no silhouettes though, just a lot of Belly Dancing.

Sean Connery also makes an innuendo about his cock.

Stay tuned for next month for: Goldfinger (I FUCKING LOVE GOLDFINGER.)

Obligatory Oscar Post

As it’s the Oscars on Sunday, and I’ve already ran out of things to write about, I’m going to tell you who I think should win and you’re going to damn well listen.

Best Supporting Actress- Helena Bonham Carter for The King’s Speech

Just like everyone else, I bloody loved the Kings Speech, but after the BAFTA’s practically raped it with awards, I don’t think it’s going to be so successful at the Oscars, however, for me Bonham Carter’s performance was the best thing about it and I’m sure she’s going to walk away with the award in miss-matched shoes.

Amy Adams, while usually very gorgeous, has a muffin top belly throughout The Fighter so I just can’t allow her to win and I have yet to see Animal Kingdom, but I really don’t trust Jacki Weaver’s eyebrows so she doesn’t even get a look in.

Best Supporting Actor- Mr Weight Change/Batman/Christian Bale for The Fighter

If you’re one of the people who are still hung up on his past events, please get off my blog as you’re probably very boring. Bale is fucking great in The Fighter, so yeah, give the award to him or he’ll gain some weight again and kick your ass.

Best Actress- Michelle Williams for Blue Valentine

Okay, I know this will never happen, and I know the award will got to Natalie (I’m in far too many films this year) Portman, but all I wanted to do whilst watching Black Swan was to give her character a punch in the fanny and a good rant about how she should quit whining. William’s performance was so natural, too natural in fact, as I’m now overtly worried that some of my future relationships will turn into the big ball of depressing stuff that hers and Ryan Gosling’s ended up like in Blue Valentine. Winter’s Bone was the most forgettable film that’s been nominated this year so I wouldn’t be surprised if they forget to read out Jennifer whatsherface’s name on Sunday night.

Best Actor- Jesse Eisenberg for The Social Network

I toyed with this one for a while, but the thought of Eisenberg’s gangly legs rushing up to accept the award was too much and I’m going to be quite saddened if he doesn’t get it now, even though it’s probably Firth’s time to finally win a little gold man. Eisenberg’s portrayal of a grade A douche is obviously perfect for this blog and I’m sure douche’s everywhere would be up in arms if I didn’t back him (they probably wouldn’t care, the big douches.)

Best Film- The Social Network/The Kings Speech/Toy Story 3

I’m sure you’ll all agree that, if neither of these three goes home with the award, we should all rush out onto the streets with pitchforks and start tearing up stuff. I’m just very confused about which film I want to win, The Social Network changed everyone’s predictions of what a ‘facebook film’ was going to be like, it provided many laughs while also making us think about friendship n’ stuff and it also made us aware that Justin Timberlake is probably going to be the next Ian McKellen. The Kings Speech is a great all round film and not one aspect of it can be given complete negative criticism, apart from Firth constantly fluffing up his lines (I MADE A FUNNY.) Finally, I haven’t quite made my love of Pixar known on this blog yet, but my incredibly high expectations of Toy Story 3 were met, and it’s joined my list of ‘films that will always make me cry.’

I just can’t decide, but for the sake of it, I’ll go with Toy Story 3.

Well, there you have it, my sub standard Oscar predictions.

Keep your eyes peeled next week for a post about how annoyed I am that the awards went to films that I didn’t want to win, where I’ll express all the same opinions.

Another Annoying Thing About Film

Bad subtitles.

Some subtitles can completely change the original feel and story of foreign films, for example, in the bizarre Racoon filled Pom Poko, by Studio Ghibli, the English subtitles completely miss out the fact that the Racoon’s use their testicles as weapons against humans and instead they call them their ‘pouches,’ to me this is a great injustice.

Another instance is the subtitles for the French hooligan film La Haine, for some reason the people who wrote the subtitles in question decided to include words like ‘chav,’ ‘bloke’ and even ‘ras clart,’ I might be completely off the mark here, but I’m pretty certain these words are not found in the French language and are most commonly used in the east end of London, which made certain scenes that would have been quite tense, pretty funny.

Don’t get me wrong though, La Haine is still amazing.

The first perfect film trilogy

Famous quiff master and BBC film critic, Mark Kermode, named the Toy Story films ‘the first perfect trilogy’ (or something like that) last year, and while I don’t disagree that those three films aren’t outstanding, as I personally think everything Pixar have produced is solid gold. I think he overlooked a certain trilogy. This trilogy;

These films are 'Sympathy for Mister Vengeance,' 'Oldboy' and 'Sympathy for Lady Vengeance' and they make up Korean director Park Chan-wook’s ‘Vengeance Trilogy,’ and they’re so exceptional that I’m finding it hard to inject any of my trademark humour into this post because all I want to do is write about how bloody good they are so after reading this you go and watch them all in one sitting.

I suppose I’m cheating, as they aren’t really a conventional trilogy because the films don’t run on from each other, but they all have the same key theme, yes that’s right, vengeance.

I’m sorry to use a common cliché here, but they are all beautifully shot, you never want to look away from the screen. Each film includes a lot of graphic violence, but it’s actually used to move the story along, and not just to feed the gore libido of blood thirsty teenagers.

They also achieve something that even Woody and Buzz can’t claim, all the plots are entirely different, each a bit more barmy than the last. Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance has a dumb mute with green hair for its lead character, Oldboy includes the eating of a live octopus and Sympathy For Lady Vengeance has a whole manner of bizarre moments that crescendos with the face palming of a cake shaped like a block of tofu. Srsly.

So, yeah...

I want to weep

Let's play a game, let's see if you can spot the worst joke in this trailer.
Hint: It's awful and it's at the end.




If more than 10 people go and see this film, I'll lose my faith in everything I know and love about cinema.

He's that guy

Right, I’m back to full health now, so, as I’m in a positive mood, I feel like writing about a guy who is world renowned for being pretty damn awesome.

Which guy I hear you ask?

This is J.J. Abrams, someone who;

· Made my favourite TV show.

· Made Star Trek relevant again.

· Can turn any nerd into a slobbering mess whenever his name is attached to a project.

· Has the ability to look unbelievably smug but still really cool in every single photo.

I also recently learned that Abrams wrote one of my favourite films of my early teenage years, this film was called Road Kill (or Joy Ride if you’re a filthy American.)

I re-watched it lately and I deducted two things. The first being that, despite liking some shite, I didn’t have an absolutely appalling taste in films back in the day. Secondly, Road Kill is such an underrated and original thriller. The characters feel real, unlike being one dimensional stock characters that most thrillers tend to use these days. There are tons of ‘OMGZ’ moments that aren’t too overblown or contrived, which makes the film incredibly exciting. It also has Steve Zahn in it, and boy, do I love a bit of Steve Zahn.